this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
