So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
