I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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