Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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