i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
