i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
