Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
