my phone needs a breathalizer
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
he thought i was a dude.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
