Capitaan dildo arrescate!
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
