My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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