I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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