I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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