Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
