what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
