I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
