I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Randomize
