Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
