i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
