My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
