i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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