I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
