I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
