my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
