I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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