nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize