He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
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Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
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I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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