I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
