I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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