that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
