Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
