you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
