i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Randomize
