So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
