I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize