Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
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