Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
