I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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