I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
