laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
