She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Randomize
