Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You were trust falling into bushes
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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