I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
