Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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