my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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