coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
