my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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