I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
