I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
