Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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