TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
