I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
