ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
