to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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