Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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