Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I need moral support for this bender
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
