that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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