I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
