you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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