her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
