I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
